Cul de Cuvée: Death & vomit bottles
The recently-random bits.
The biggest un-news to cross the Sexy Newsdesk™ at CdC HQ is that the grape harvest is hot, heavy, and in full swing. In fact, it’s so advanced that’s Beaujolais tried to call us with the scoop that they’re apparently moving the release of the Beaujolais Nouveau wines to September 1st in order to time it with back to school for parents very much in the need of a glass or two after a very long summer.
We’re gonna need to fact check the Beaujolais folks, because, as we all know, tricking people into thinking Beaujolais Nouveau is actually a ‘good’ wine, is the biggest joke ever played on the world. But, there ain’t no joking in that it’s been damned hot (FR) and the grapes are here. At this point, if humanity as we know it still exists in 2050, we’ll be harvesting just after pruning, in November, at the very least to use wine to barter for basic necessities in the future, such as an HBO Max subscription.
English person, Henry Jeffreys ponders whether he should buy one of the original English sparkling wineries, Breaky Bottom. Given that it doesn’t come with the encrustacular Peter Hall, who recently died, we’d probably be a ‘no’ vote and let interstellar luxury conglomerate, LVMH scoop it up and ‘fancy’ the brand a bit, which is to say, changing nothing, but quadrupling the current prices.
Emidio Pepe from the Abruzzo region of Italy has left us recently. How old was he? A very youthful 94. Yes, 94, and as we all know, he reached that age by healthmaxxing (xxx?) and watching his stats like an eagle-eyed hawk. That or he was just always active, eating well, and drinking good wine in freakin’ Italia. We may never know!
Additional Big News in wine is the large-scale removal of vineyards in California. People may think, “Gads, this is horrible!” but when asking second-generation vigneron, Jason Smith, owner of some 3,000 acres of vineyards being removed, what his favorite type of wine was, his response was, “beer and whiskey”, so, yup.
Very unfortunate news for anyone needing a large amount of ecstasy, immediately, in Indonesian. A pilot with 70,000 tablets in his suitcase has been detained and, as per the strict laws of the country, may very well be executed. Apparently authorities were tipped off when the two-hour flight from Kuala Lumpur to Jakarta he was piloting, while high on cocaine and meth, arrived an hour ahead of schedule.
For those keeping score of such things, the Chilled Red is now official because a BBC Weekend editor has taken notice and written it up. While fashionably late to pretty much any trend, the BBC calling it, “rosé for grown-ups” is admittedly pretty solid.
According to Left Wing newshole, Fox, Americans are now smokin’ more bud than drinkin’ booze. Despite this, it seems that Big Weed ain’t makin’ all that much cash given the case of widespread layoffs in the cannabis lands. Again, clearly households are saving to pay for those streaming necessities.
Apparently there’s a possible (new) schism coming in the Catholic church due to some seedy ordaining that happened in Switzerland. We know what everyone who enjoys wine is thinking, “Thank god it’s not happening in Châteauneuf for once!”
The word from Thad, our resident hipster intern with no visible source of income, is that if in the market for Hipster Vomit Bottles, you are indeed in luck. If however you are not in the market, you are very much not in luck as they seem impossible to dislodge from metropolitan wine bars around the world where we would all just like to go and drink actual, non-Trash Natural wine.
From our Bureau of No Shits Sherlock, Russians continue to bomb Ukraine but despite this, Ukrainian winemakers continue to produce wines year upon year. It admittedly makes mildew issues seem a bit simplistic when you’ve gotta mow around a Russian ‘Grad’ missile embedded amongst your vines.
How have Italian children become very fat little meatballs? Yeah, unlike Beaujolais Nouveau being good, apparently this a fact. The CdC Healthmaxx Society was shocked and the answer is apparently it’s because they’re not eating pasta, bread, and everything awesome about the actual Italian diet, including gelato, allegedly.
Until we meet again, up in the cul of the cuvée.